The summer is over and the leaves have started to turn – it’s well and truly back to school season. For thousands of youngsters, this means a return to the daily routine (or grind, as many will see it); however, for 260,000 students, September marks the start of a new chapter in their lives.
Heading to college or university is a big step, and while most of the young adults preparing to fly the nest will be excited at the prospect of independence, their parents may have concerns about what this will mean.
So we asked some parents, who have already been around the block, for their advice on what to expect when their teenagers start third-level education and how to prepare them for this new phase of their lives.
Eileen Hanrahan’s son has been in college in Dublin for two years and she says that “while the initial separation was difficult, they have both grown into it”.
“I was very sad about him leaving the family home and moving on, and was upset in the beginning when he didn’t come home at weekends,” she says. “But I soon learned to live with it as I realised that is part and parcel of growing up. So my advice to parents whose children are heading off to college for the first time, would be to try and let them go without showing how upset you are.
“Of course, there is a fine balance as you don’t want them thinking you’re delighted to see the back of them either. But I learned to my cost that me being in floods of tears every time I put him on the bus back to Dublin from Cork, was problematic for him. Even though I was more upset at the fact that he was moving on with his life and I had to get used to that, but I know now that it wasn’t fair on him.
“So, I would say to any parents who are close to their kids and are sad at the thought of them going, to make sure to keep an open line of communication but don’t be on their case about it all the time. Try and park any worries or fears by letting them know that they can talk to you about their own issues – because if you start passing judgment on everything they do or are planning on doing, they won’t tell you anything. So be there, listen and give advice when appropriate – this way, they will be more likely to open up to you and visit home more often.”
Anne McCarthy from Dublin says that when her daughter went to the UK to study music last year, she and her husband were more concerned about her safety as they “were not going to be close by if she got into any difficulties”.
“Of course, we were going to miss having her around, but we were also very worried about her going to a new city and not knowing anyone. I’m a real worrier, so I would imagine all sorts of things if we didn’t get a WhatsApp to say that she was okay – and in the beginning, I was constantly checking to see when she was last online and if it was a long time, I would message to ask if she was okay.
“But I was doing it too much and in the end, it backfired, as she turned off that aspect of the app, so now you don’t know if she has seen a message or not. I was annoyed at first, but now I get it as my husband reminded me that she needed space to be independent, just like I had when I was her age. And to be honest, it has actually made me less manic about it as I can’t keep a track on her like I used to before. I message her every morning and night and she will respond when she has time and I’ve accepted that.
“So if I could give any advice to any newbie parents, I would say to try and back off a little. It’s natural to be worried, but as my daughter said, ‘constantly bombarding with messages isn’t going to keep them any safer, so let them know that you’re not trying to spoil their fun or get in the way of their independence, but you just can’t help worrying so it is important to check in.
“This doesn’t mean that you don’t trust them as you would be the same regardless of their age, it’s just because you love them and, like me, ‘a bit of a fruitcake’ when it comes to making sure they are okay.
“It’s a hard habit to get out of. But once the first few months are over, it does get easier and you start to rearrange your own life around the gap of your child who has left home – and look forward to their visits.”
Rebecca Burrell’s daughter Layla (22) is heading into her last year of college in Galway.
The MD of Burrell Marketing and Publicity says that the best piece of advice she can give is to allow your freshers to make their own decisions and have their own space – but let them know that you will be there for them if they need you.
“We live in Dublin and Layla initially went to UCD, but it didn’t suit her personality as she found the huge campus to be a bit overwhelming. She then got a place in Galway University and is about to go into her fourth and last year there. She absolutely loves everything about it – the sea swimming, the student population, the pub life and the small town vibe of the place.
“For any parents whose child is about to go off to college for the first time, I would recommend that they step into the support role when their son or daughter makes their choices, staying close and advising as best you can, but knowing that at the end of the day, it’s their life.
“In our case, we trusted Layla’s decision making and when she decided that UCD wasn’t her ‘cup of tea’, myself and my husband, Peter, respected that and helped her on a practical level to secure a college place and accommodation in Galway.
“Now, we love having her home whenever she can, and we also try to get to Galway occasionally and treat her to a nice meal out. So, basically, we are always there for her, but are letting her live her life independently.”
Martin Cawley says that when his son and daughter went to college, they “left a huge hole” in the household as they both went together.
But he and his wife, Sarah, knew that they had to “let them get on with their lives,” so they made a conscious decision to adapt their own to a “new way” of living.
“Our daughter Sadie (21) repeated her Leaving Cert, so two years ago she and our son Matt (20) ended up going to college at the same time – one to Cork and the other to Galway. It was a huge transition for us both, particularly for me, as I work from home, so I would have been more used to them being in and out and around the house all the time.
“But flying the nest is the natural next step for kids, so we were conscious that, although we would really miss them, we weren’t going to be all maudlin and upset around them. And I think that is something I would encourage other parents to be aware of – as you don’t want them feeling bad or worrying about how you’re coping, to the detriment of their own settling in stage.
“So we made the decision to book a holiday for ourselves and left a couple of days after they did and I think it was the best thing we ever did. We had a bit of excitement of packing up ourselves and then a couple of weeks to unwind and get used to just being a couple again and then when we came back, although it was hard to be returning to an empty house, we were ready for a fresh start.
“I think it was good for them as well as they saw us going off and doing our own thing and the first weekend we were back, they were on the train home for a few days.
“So that’s my advice – as well as loading them up with home cooked meals they can freeze, some medical supplies for colds and flu and the knowledge that you are at the end of the phone, day or night if they need you – let them get out there and explore the world, knowing that they will be back as soon as their fridges are empty, the washing basket is full and their funds are running low.”
