As divorce rates rise and the cost of living bites, single mothers in China are searching for a new kind of partner: each other.
Across social media are posts from harried mothers seeking like-minded parents to share a home and child-rearing responsibilities.
“I’m hoping to find another single mom to share an apartment with, so we can take care of each other,” said a popular post on Xiaohongshu, a platform known overseas as Rednote.
“If our children are around the same age, that would be even better – they can be companions. Those raising kids alone know how tough it is; sometimes you’re so busy you barely have time to eat.”
There is no specific data on the trend, but scholars say they have observed the informal support network visibly grow online, with housemate-seeking posts and broader discussions sharing advice for women considering it.
There are an estimated 30 million single mothers in China. Divorce rates are about four times higher than they were 20 years ago, despite government efforts to discourage it, and mothers take custody in more than 80% of family breakdowns. There are legal obligations around child support, but a significant proportion of single-mother families in first-tier cities live below the poverty line, according to government data.
Zhu Danyu, left, and Fei Yuan. ‘Over time, we realised that we shared similar values and got along really well,’ says Fei. Photograph: Ding Gang/The Guardian
Zhu Danyu and Fei Yuan, both single mothers, have lived together in Nanjing since 2022.
“At the core, we both know very clearly why we’re together – it’s about sharing and managing the risks and pressures of life,” Zhu tells the Guardian.
Zhu and Fei first met when Zhu was looking for collaborators on her education start-up business. Both women were divorced, Zhu with two daughters and Fei with one. The two families quickly got to know each other.
“I was deeply impressed by the way she raised her daughter,” Zhu says of Fei. “At that time, my own two daughters were struggling both academically and emotionally after my divorce.”
The families spent more and more time together, Zhu and her daughters staying over to help when Fei’s child was sick during Covid lockdowns, until eventually they decided to make it more permanent.
Fei and Zhu share caring duties for their children, particularly as Zhu frequently travels. Photograph: Ding Gang/The Guardian
“Over time, we realised that we shared similar values and got along really well,” says Fei. “Our personalities also complement each other. I’m more detail-oriented and love keeping things tidy, but I can’t cook. Really, I just can’t. Danyu, on the other hand, is a great cook and loves making meals for the kids.”
They now run a joint business and household from their Nanjing home. The families spend weekends together, the girls do their homework together in the evenings, and the two mothers share caring duties, particularly as Zhu frequently travels.
‘When our families came together, the house suddenly became full of life,’ says Fei. Photograph: Ding Gang/The Guardian
The women, who have spoken publicly about their arrangement in Chinese media, are used to snide online remarks and rumours about their relationship, but say their friends and families are supportive.
“What matters to us is whether our children are happy, healthy and doing well in school, and whether our business is growing steadily,” says Zhu.
Dr Ye Liu, an expert in international development at King’s College London, says “single mothers across all social strata struggle financially”, further affected by a lack of state welfare for single parents and a lack of adequate support from kin.
“This financial precarity, intensified by rising inflation and the cost of living, is the likely driving force behind mothers seeking informal support via personal advertisements.”
Double the love
Traditional family values still have a strong hold in China, particularly in rural areas, where young divorced women often face strong pressure to remarry. Elders in many families disapprove of a woman raising a child alone.
Jiang Mengyue, 31 was determined not to remarry after her divorce, instead choosing to leave her home town in Guizhou province with her daughter, now three.
‘Through spending time together, all three have become more outgoing and confident,’ Fei says of their children. Photograph: Ding Gang/The Guardian
She answered a social media post and moved in with Shi Mengyue; the two families have lived together for two months so far. Their daily routine is structured. Jiang stays at home looking after both girls, while Shi works as a professional date matchmaker. On weekends, when the weather is nice, they take the girls out together or go for bike rides.
“Since there’s no personal interest or benefit involved, this kind of relationship feels purer and simpler than marriage,” says Jiang.
Negative social sentiment about divorce and single mothers is changing, says Liu, helped along by the 2024 hit movie Her Story, but there remain structural issues, and the informal nature of the flat-sharing arrangements means the women lack legal protections.
“This current reliance on ad-hoc, digitally organised support highlights a major failure in the state’s welfare provision for safeguarding children and supporting parents,” Liu says.
Tree climbing, camping and barbecues have been among the two families’ activities together. Photograph: Ding Gang/The Guardian
And it doesn’t always work – online women have talked of arrangements collapsing after children didn’t get along, or financial imbalances taking a toll. But for those who have found the balance, they say the biggest beneficiaries are the kids.
“When our families came together, the house suddenly became full of life: three little girls running around, laughing all the time,” says Fei.
“Through spending time together, all three have become more outgoing and confident. That’s the first big change I’ve noticed. The second is that they’re now surrounded by double the love.”
Additional reporting by Lillian Yang
